Groups of people carrying Bibles have been
stopping and asking students to participate in Bible study sessions throughout
the day outside Henderson and the Union.
The group locates its study areas at prime
targets during various parts of the day. In the morning, members are outside the
entrance of Mabee Library. In the early afternoon, they are at each exit around
Henderson. In the evening, they are outside of the Union’s main doors and on
the stairs across from the Mulvane Art Museum. Nobody seems to know who the
group is.
Many people around campus are avoiding the
religious group and are arriving to their desired location without interacting
with them. Of the students who are stopped, some are uncomfortable with having God
thrust upon their way of thinking, while other students don’t know how to say
they did not have time for a Bible study and instead sit there. Both Christian and
anti-religious students are upset by this tactic.
However, some people appreciate the group’s
outreach, but the issue is that it can make people feel awkward being pressured into unwanted
beliefs or discipleship techniques.
It is possible this group will be around
campus for more days outside of Mabee Library, Henderson and the steps of the
Union asking people if they would like to have a Bible study session. It will
be interesting to see if students on campus embrace the group or continue to
walk past them.
In the second paragraph I do not see the need to put where the group is at certain times. I would just put where the group have been trying to target students at.
ReplyDeleteAs I said in the other post, try to find the name of the group.
This was well written and I hope that this group will not be around campus much longer.
Great edit. However, a few things I noticed. The work Bible needs to be capitalized. Also, in the last paragraph "...will be around campus for more days outside..." Is it supposed to be Four, or are you trying to say that they will be around campus for more time?
ReplyDeleteThe edits visible in this post are all beneficial. Most of the paragraphs are now shorter, easier to read and more understandable. The headline has remained the same, so once again I will suggest that it be changed to read, "Religious group affects Washburn students." When first mentioning Henderson and the Union be sure to state their full names. Then you can informally mention them in future references. The lead was well executed and caused me to want to continue reading. With a little polishing I think this could be a strong news story.
ReplyDeleteI think you did a great job on your edit to your partner's post. A difference I would make is capitalizing "bible." Also, "and the steps of the Union asking people if they would like to have a bible study session," didn't read smoothly to me. I kept rereading that part of the sentence. Maybe you could say "It is possible this group will be around campus for more days outside of Mabee Library, Henderson, and on the steps of the Union asking people if they would like to have a bible study session." You were straightforward, to the point, and cut down wording that wasn't necessary in the first post. Good job!
ReplyDeleteAnother idea for the headline could be, "Religious group harass students."
ReplyDeleteNice edit. I also like your title. However, I would just adjust some sentences to make it flow a little better. Otherwise, good job.
ReplyDeleteI liked this version better. It is shorter and beats around the bush less. I like that you used awkward less. I don't think that there is anything wrong with this group being on campus. But I didn't like that one of the guys tricked me into a conversation about the Bible. Overall this is a written well.
ReplyDeleteThis was a good edit and I am glad you took out most of the "awkward/awkwardly" that were in the first copy of this article. As stated before, capitalizing "Bible" and figuring out the name of the group will make this article better.
ReplyDeleteP1. Move the prepositional phrase to the beginning of the sentence for better flow.
ReplyDeleteP2. The group study areas [are positioned] at prime [locations]
P3. Sentence 2: while other students [sit there because they don't know how to say they don't have have time for a bible study.]
P4. [Although] some people appreciate the group's outreach, the issue is that it can make people feel awkward [when] unwanted beliefs or discipleship techniques are thrust upon them.
-these were suggestions to make the sentences more concise, but not all are necessary changes.
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ReplyDeleteThe edits to this post help the overall flow of the post. I still do not feel the copy is compelling. If the author knows enough about the group to know where they are stationed throughout the day, why not stop and ask them who they are and what they want?
ReplyDeleteThe group locates their study areas at prime targets during various parts of the day. I don't like the term prime targets, what is a prime target? Are these a certain type of students or all students? If it is all students then there are no prime targets, or are there?
The opening lead sentence sounds a little awkward when read out loud. The sentence "The group locates their study areas at prime targets during various parts of the day" is unclear on whether the "prime targets" are people in particular or certain busy hot spots located on campus. Perhaps reword in a way that specifies who or what the targets are. In the sentence "However, some people appreciate the group’s outreach, but the issue is that it can make people feel awkward having unwanted beliefs or discipleship techniques thrust upon them", perhaps it could be rewritten as "While some people appreciate the group's efforts to spread their message, their tactic has been viewed by most as uncomfortable or unwanted." I'm no expert so my rewritten sentence could be wrong but I feel that could be worded in a different way. Overall, I like this version of the post better. It's more concise and contains less awkward sentences than the original post.
ReplyDeleteI think that the heading should have something along the lines that some of the students are Washburn think its discomforting but not all.
ReplyDeleteOther than that there are just a couple little corrections to be made throughout the post
For example
"The group locates their study areas at prime targets during various parts of the day."
I think instead of using "parts" time would be more appropriate in that sentence.
Overall, I think you did a great job editing the first post!
These are good edits. The second sentence in P3 is a little wordy. I would either plot it, or take out something.
ReplyDeleteThe edit of your title works much better and the lead paragraph is better too, short and catch attention.
ReplyDeleteI think the edits benefited this post a lot. There is still a lot of opinion in the piece, but it's a bit more factual now.
ReplyDeleteI think the edits benefited this post a lot. There is still a lot of opinion in the piece, but it's a bit more factual now.
ReplyDelete