Team 3
By:Veronica Diaz
The pain struck her like lightning. The pain of 100 blows
attacked her lower back and knocked her to her knees. She took deep breaths and
tried to put herself together, but he pain continued to shoot up her back.
Never did she imagine that at age 22 she would be down on
the ground due to back problems. These were the problems of elderly people, not
active college students. And yet here she was on all fours trying not to cry
from the blinding pain. This was the second time in two weeks this had
happened. Last week she was merely doing laundry, bending down to grab a shirt,
when another muscle spasm knocked her down. Each time it happened without
warning, catching her off guard.
This time her friends were also caught off guard. It had
never happened with anyone else around; they didn’t know what had happened.
Should they help? Is this normal? She explained to them not to worry and to let
her recover on her own.
Once the worry passed, the jokes began. “Granny Roni” was
being laughed at and pictures were being snapped. She laughed and egged it on,
all a charade to mask her tears and agony. It may be a serious problem, but
there wasn’t anything they could do to help. At least this way she could help
alleviate some of the stress and tension that momentarily filled the room.
Finally, enough time passed where she gained the strength to
prop herself up. The pain was still there, but she needed to go home and manage
it on her own. She knew this could longer be something she “managed”, it had to
be taken care of soon before it happens at an even least opportune time.
I can see a few typos here and there but nonetheless it is a good story. It made me sympathize with the girl.
ReplyDeleteI like the title, it definitely made me want to read it to see what it was about.
ReplyDeleteI also noticed the typos. Without the typos it would have great sentence flow. The title easily captures the attention of future readers.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the beginning paragraph! I think you did a good job building up suspense about what was happening to the girl. I also liked how you included what others may have been thinking of the girl. I did notice typos, but that is what editing is for :)
ReplyDeleteI noticed a few typos, but those will be fixed. The title grabbed my attention and made me want to read the story even more.
ReplyDeleteGreat title! Like everyone else said, it really grabbed my attention.
ReplyDeleteThere's not much to add that hasn't already been said, very capturing title and story line. I really wanted to know what was wrong!
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone else! I love the headline. It made me want to read it to "fill in the blanks." Great job!
ReplyDeleteI like the topic of this story and the detail you went into to portray it accurately. Great writing!
ReplyDeleteLike others, I really like the title. And also the story is great!
ReplyDeleteI felt concerned for the girl so good job.
ReplyDelete