Students can observe while walking
around Washburn’s campus that there are many different construction projects underway. The
two most obvious sites are Morgan Hall and the Kansas Bureau of Investigations
building. Morgan Hall which is almost completed, already looks beautiful. The
KBI building is also near completion. Another minor site is near Henderson Learning Center and the KSNT
building.
When walking toward Henderson from the southwest parking lot there is a new parking lot going in. Most commuting students would agree that Washburn could use more parking, especially at the beginning of each semester when attendance is at the highest. The construction on this lot is very loud everyday and has an odor similar to that of an animal farm. Despite the negative side effects of it, Washburn has accomplished a lot in the past couple years with the construction. Students may wonder, what Washburn will do to continue to update and expand campus?
When walking toward Henderson from the southwest parking lot there is a new parking lot going in. Most commuting students would agree that Washburn could use more parking, especially at the beginning of each semester when attendance is at the highest. The construction on this lot is very loud everyday and has an odor similar to that of an animal farm. Despite the negative side effects of it, Washburn has accomplished a lot in the past couple years with the construction. Students may wonder, what Washburn will do to continue to update and expand campus?
All the edits made were highly beneficial for this news story. Certain edits helped me comprehend the construction topic more fluidly. I would still eliminate the question at the end of the story and add to the headline to make it more attractive. You need to make sure to spell out the names of acronyms and then use the acronym itself on the second reference (i.e. KSNT). Do not use any personal opinions or adjectives in news writing (i.e. "already looks beautiful"). Overall, this story was improved in several ways.
ReplyDeleteYour edits made the story more readable and gave it a much better flow. It was much less choppy and all over the place. However, instead of writing in one large paragraph, I would recommend breaking it up into smaller paragraphs making it more readable and less intimidating.
ReplyDeleteThe edits made to this story give the story purpose. In the previous article, the facts seemed kind of random and left me asking, so what? But the edits set up the sentences better and give the reader an idea as to why they are important.
ReplyDeleteThe edits made to this story give the story purpose. In the previous article, the facts seemed kind of random and left me asking, so what? But the edits set up the sentences better and give the reader an idea as to why they are important.
ReplyDeleteI see a few missed punctuation points, but I also think that these senteces need to be combined with an and, "Morgan hall which is almost completed and already looks beautiful. The KBI building too is near completion." Otherwise, I enjoyed it, with its describtions and details. Good work.
ReplyDeleteIn the first sentence I believe that you meant to say "observe" instead of "obverse." Overall, I would say this is a good edit. I think that it reads smoother although the sentence, "The KBI building too is near completion." is a bit awkward. I would recommend saying, "The KBI is nearing completion as well."
ReplyDeleteAll the edits were done very well. The new edits made the story flow more and made the article appear more objective than subjective. I found it easier to see the main points about the article. Good job!
ReplyDeleteAll the editing you did made the story flow better. There were just a few punctuation and spelling errors (in the first sentence, the letters in "observe" were switched around). Other than that, this was a more well-written version! Well done!
ReplyDeleteI agree, I think all of your edits made the story flow better and just more of a story in general. "Morgan hall which is almost completed and already looks beautiful." reads awkwardly to me. Maybe instead you could say, Morgan hall, though not yet complete, already looks beautiful. The completion of this project is set for _________. I think you made great edits and did a great job!
ReplyDeleteI would not end the story with a question. It makes the reader feel like they learned nothing, even though you had good content.
ReplyDeleteHey, those are some good edits that you made. I always felt that parking needed to expand for Washburn. The little parking lot they built was a sorry excuse for expanding.
ReplyDeleteThe story now flows better and is more objective. I still think that quotes from students would make it more credible.
ReplyDeleteThe story now flows better and is more objective. I still think that quotes from students would make it more credible.
ReplyDeleteGood job! Your edits made the story flow better. but can add sapce between paragraphs.
ReplyDelete