Thursday, August 21, 2014

Bonded at birth

(Edited)

Through the glass of the intensive care unit, a mother sat patiently awaiting the first meeting with her newly born baby girl. The baby laid sleeping in a small incubator covered in tubes and gadgets used to assist the child's breathing and temperature. 

Although the baby, who was born just seventeen hours before, was napping, the nurse wasted no time pulling her from the warm glass box she now called home. Unhappy and alarmed by the coldness of the air outside of the incubator, the baby let out a gripping shriek. She cried out in dismay toward the nurse, wanting  back in the warm box she had become accustomed to since leaving the comfort of her mothers womb.

The nurse attempted to soothe the baby, but eventually plopped the infant right into her mother's arms. The new mom stared at her precious girl, tears streaming down her face, smiling as the baby continued to cry, still startled from her abrupt awakening. The mother leaned closer and whispered hello to her new baby. Instantly, the tantrum stopped and the room fell silent. The baby looked up at her mother, feeling more comfortable now than since leaving the womb. The voice of her mother, the only thing unchanged since her birth, soothing any troubles the baby girl might have. She stared up at her mother as her mother stared down at her.

They sat that way for what seemed like hours, studying each others faces. The mother matching feet to kicks she felt earlier that week and hiccups to the young baby that had grown inside her tummy. The baby matching the comforting voice and heartbeat to her mother's loving embrace.

And just like that, their first of many visits ended. 

13 comments:

  1. I like a lot of the edits you made to this story. For example, I think your new version of the headline is more of a familiar phrase and might be more likely to catch someone's attention. (It also kind of plays off the TV show "Switched at Birth." I think creating headlines that might cause people to make connections could potentially increase interest in the story that follows.)

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  2. I agree, great job Jena. I felt like I could really feel and see this story in my head. This is definitely something I'll be able to relate with in about 3 months. :)

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  3. I thought of you when I originally wrote it Johanna! It will be the best experience of your life! This was written about my sister-in-law meeting her baby girl Monday evening after a very early and un-anticipated delivery.

    I like the edits a lot Jena, I think you kept the integrity of the story while making some much needed changes.

    I like the title change as well, Emily you have a good point--making connections to things that people know might bring more readers to a story.

    Hope everyone enjoyed it!

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    1. That's awesome Sarah! I'm so excited! I liked your story, it was great and something I feel like people can relate to. :)

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  4. Great edits, Jena! I like your headline a lot, and I think the editing choices you made helped the flow without altering the descriptive details that I loved so much in the original story!

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  5. I definitely like the title change. It makes more sense now with the words rearranged. Some of the more descriptive sentences flow better now that editing has been done. It was a job well done by both of you!

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  6. I'm going to reiterate everyone else and say that the new headline works much better with the story. Jena the editing choices you made were well done.

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  7. I loved the descriptive details you added to this story. It made the story flow more easily.

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  8. Nice job. You corrected some of the punctuation errors I had noticed before. I also like the title change, it fits great with the story.

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  9. While holding on to the original story, you changed just enough to make the story cuter and more touching. Well done! I also like the changed title>

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  10. I liked the title and the opening paragraph. It helped establish the situation a little more clearly.

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  11. Great job! You added some details let the article warmer. I love the title you changed.

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  12. I love the changes that you made, it really added that touch that the story needed. It was great before but now it is even better!

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