Wednesday, August 20, 2014

The goose, the gander, and the eggs.

Johanna's Rewrite: Group 1:

Gander protects nest from potential threats

It was a warm Saturday afternoon, she watched as a gander stood strong and idle on the small island in the center of a pond located at the Trianon apartment complex in Topeka, Kan.

She noticed that the gander was unwavering in his stance on the east edge of the island as he watched for signs of approaching danger. Although most of his body remained still and motionless, he turned his neck at the slightest of sounds. The sounds of a cracking of a tree branch, the splashing of a fish and the honking of another goose all kept him alert and focused on the task of protecting his family. She noticed that the mother goose sat quietly several feet away and tended to their nest of unborn goslings.

At the north end of the pond, she noticed four mallards swimming and playing in the water. As the mallards began to make their way to the island, she noticed the gander quickly moved and stood directly in their path. Ignoring his warning, the mallards continued to approach the island. She noticed that when they were just inches away, the gander suddenly stood erect, spread his wings and began to hiss menacingly at them. Alarmed, the mallards formed a side-by-side line in front of him and quacked simultaneously.

As she watched for several minutes she noticed that the gander’s perseverance paid off. The mallards surrendered the fight, they left the pond and waddled over to join a group of mallards gathered under a tree.

Confident the threat had subsided, the gander walked over to his nest to ensure that the eggs and mother goose were unharmed.

She then watched as the gander went back to his initial spot on the edge of the island. As the sun began to set behind the trees she noticed that peace had returned to the pond once again.

14 comments:

  1. Thank you for not completely tearing this apart! Haha. I like how you changed the perspective as if someone was actually watching the events unfold. I also like your new headline, very catchy! Good work, teammate!

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  2. You're such a good writer, there wasn't much to fix! Thanks, I'm glad to have you as my teammate! :)

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  3. Great job on the edits, Johanna! You added some necessary words (like including Kan. in the first paragraph), but you also kept the descriptive words that Emily wrote, which made the story clear and interesting!

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  4. You did a great job editing, Johanna. I like that you changed the perspective but kept the details in the story. I like your headline a lot. You both did a fantastic job!

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  5. Both of you did a great job. I did like the different perspective you gave. It made it seem as though the reader is looking through that characters eyes, watching everything take place.

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  6. Can we just take a moment to really appreciate the new headline, so cute and clever! Johanna I think you did a fine editing the story. Although I prefer the perspective of the original, I think you did a good job in maintaining its integrity and still wrote a great story.

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  7. Great job keeping the same story but tweaking it to be told in a different way!

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  8. I really like the new title!! It's very clever and capturing! Im glad you kept the descriptive details that made this piece great originally.

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  9. I like the changed to this! Don't you spell out the state name though? I thought that was a new change this year? Either way great job!

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  10. A really good title. This made an already great story even better.

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  11. I enjoy how the action rose and then fell back to its tranquil setting. This was a good read.

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  12. The title change was great. I thought it would be difficult to make this story any better, but you managed to do just that. Great job!

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  13. Amazing! I like the way you changed. You made the it more clear and funny.

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  14. Yeah there really wasn't much to fix because it was so well done the first time. But I do like what you have changed, it made it that much better.

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