Thursday, October 30, 2014

Expecting mother receives exciting news

Edited by Emily

As she woke up, she realized this Tuesday was different from every other. It was going to be a life-changing day. Her mom had come from miles away, and her fiance had taken the first few hours off of work just to be there. The three of them jumped into the car and made the short drive to the doctor’s office at the hospital. They were giddy and excited as they walked inside. As they sat in the waiting room, they contemplated and made their guesses.

Soon, the nurse came out, said it was their turn and led them back to their room. Her mom and fiance sat in the chairs as she lay on the bed. The nurse then used the ultrasound to check the baby and make sure all the organs and little fingers and toes were there. After that, the nurse checked the weight and spine. Everything looked good.

Anxious and excited, they watched the screen and waited for the nurse to ask the question they had been anticipating.

“Do you want to know if it’s a boy or a girl?” the nurse asked.

“Yes!” they all said.

The nurse moved the ultrasound up, down and around her stomach to get a good picture. She smiled as the nurse snapped the picture.

The nurse brought the picture up on the screen and told them that it was, in fact, a boy! They all cheered in excitement.


All three of them left the hospital with smiles that would remain on their faces for the rest of the day. 

12 comments:

  1. Much better headline. You described what you were going to be writing about and you used your verb correctly. Perfect :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I do really like the headline change. The edits really did make this story perfect. Great job, Emily!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I really like the change you made to the last line. It flowed easier than the line in the original story.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You did a great job! I really like the new headline. You made the story flow better as well. Nice job, Emily.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I think the new headline is more suitable for the story. You changed some words and sentences to make the story easier to read. Nice job!

    ReplyDelete
  6. The new title is the best part of this edit. I also like how some parts were reworded or shifted around to make reading easier. And you still managed to keep the cute, heartfelt feeling of the original.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I really like the headline change. You made some changes but really kept the anticipation and excitement alive. I really enjoyed the changes you made.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I thought you did a good job with the edits in this story. Looks like someone has been paying attention in class.

    ReplyDelete
  9. The edits were nicely done and really added to the story. Good job.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I like the headline change and the edits you made kept the voice of the story. Good job.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I also like the headline change and I think it sounds more like a headline now so good job! I also like the edits that you made to the story. I didn't find very many errors in the original but I love what you changed that I didn't notice before. It made the story that much better.

    ReplyDelete
  12. The headline fits the story better and you were able to add to the story with your edits while still keeping the overall feel of the story the same. Ncely done

    ReplyDelete