Thursday, October 9, 2014

School day's end

A little boy ran down the hall of his preschool toward his mother who was there early to pick him up. He giggled as he swerved left and right through the hallway. He dodged back and forth, pin-balling from one wall to the next.

"Try and catch me mom!" he said, as he curled around her legs just out of her reach.

He grabbed her leg and gripped on tightly, trying to hitch a ride. She pulled a bundle of papers that were taped to the back of his shirt as she tried to pry the youngster from her legs.

"Stop tickling me Mom!" he said.

He gave up and shrugged, reaching for his mother's hand.

They held hands and walked through the double doors of the small preschool center. The boy talked about who he played with, what he played with and then reminded his mother that his teacher had red hair. The boy stumbled and skipped through the parking lot towards his mom's car. He found a puddle but just before jumping in, his mother pulled him away. He looked up at the sky and questioned the gray clouds.

"It rained mom, look!" he said.

"Yes, and it's going to rain more, so we better hurry!" his mother said.

They both raced toward the car. The boy hopped up and down waiting for his mother to open the car door for him. As she did, he jumped in and buckled his seat belt. He pulled his "Letter I" book from the seat next to him and leaned back. He stared at the pictures, focusing on the different "I" words. Igloo... Ice-cream...

Raindrops began trickling on the hood of the car. They could hear thunder in the distance. The boy looked out his window and watched the rain quickly slide down his window, creating a mesmerizing maze. The boy's eyes fluttered as he stared at the trickling rain. He finally allowed his eyes to close and his long lashes rested on his chubby cheeks. 

13 comments:

  1. Cute story Sarah! I really liked it. It was a sweet moment in time, very nicely captured.

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  2. I agree it is a very cute story but at times it is kind of confusing. I was trying to picture the story the whole time but at moments my mind was confused with what to picture and felt like it kept skipping around. I like the story I just think it could use a few little adjustments. Other than that I love the story.

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  3. I liked the story as well but the title confused me. I don't think there is suppose to be an apostrophe (or however you spell that) in the word day. That makes is read like it is suppose to mean "day is". This was a cute moment to capture. All it needs is a little editing.

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  4. Nice job, Sarah! I think you used some great descriptive words and I could really capture what the little boy was thinking and feeling. I think understood where you were going with the title (putting the word "day" in possessive case), but think it could benefit from a verb to make it into a headline instead of a title.

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  5. I think a different headline would be good. The one you have didn't really read like a headline. I agree with Emily, I think a verb would be a good way to improve how it reads. Other than that, I like this story quite a bit. It was cute! I think it just needs some tweaking here or there to make it a little less confusing.

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  6. Such a cute story! I agree a title change would make the story a little more compelling. I think some minor tweaks would really impact the story.

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  7. Aw what a precious story! This is such a normal moment in life, but it just makes me smile.

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  8. That was a very simple, yet sweet moment. I think you did a nice job. I do agree that a title change would be beneficial to the story.

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  9. You captured a child's easy fascination and fast-paced mind so well.I agree with the title, but I also think you used really great verbs throughout the story.

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  10. The story is very sweet, I like it. But you may need to change a headline. I feel the headline is not match the story now.

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  11. Your headline is more of a title than a headline but i enjoyed the story. Good use of descriptive words

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  12. I had a hard time really picturing the beginning as I'm not as familiar with the antics of children. The story was nice, but could use a little clearing up.

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  13. You did a good job of capturing a moment. I enjoyed reading your story.

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