Monday, October 13, 2014

The journey home from preschool (Edited)

The little boy ran down the hall of his preschool toward his mother who was there early to pick him up. He giggled as he swerved left and right through the hallway, pin-balling from one wall to the other.

"Try and catch me, Mom!" he said as he curled around her legs just out of her reach.

He grabbed her leg and gripped on tightly to hitch a ride. She pulled a bundle of papers that were taped to the back of his shirt as she tried to pry the youngster from her legs.

"Stop tickling me, Mom!" he said before giving up with a shrug. He reached for his mother's hand.

They held hands and walked through the double doors of the small preschool center. The boy discussed his day, describing which friends he had played with and what they had played. He reminded his mother that his teacher had red hair. 

Letting go of his mother’s hand, the boy began to stumble and skip through the parking lot toward the car. He found a puddle but was pulled away from his mother before he could venture in. Finding something else to focus on, he looked up at the sky and noticed gray clouds.

"It rained mom, look!" he said.

"Yes, and it's going to rain more, so we better hurry!" said his mother.

They both raced toward the car. The boy hopped up and down waiting for his mother to open the car door for him. As she did, he jumped in and buckled his seat belt. He pulled his "Letter I" book from the seat next to him. He leaned back and stared at the pictures in the book, focusing on the different "I" words. Igloo... Ice-cream...

Rain drops began trickling on the hood of the car. Both the mother and her son could hear thunder in the distance. The boy looked out his window and watched the rain quickly slide down his window, creating a mesmerizing maze. His eyes fluttered as he stared at the trickling rain. He finally allowed them to close. His long lashes rested on his chubby cheeks.

15 comments:

  1. Nice Job with the edits Jena! I like how you made some of the longer sentences into two so that they were more simply and concise. That made the story easier to understand in some places. I also like change you made to the headline, but I think, in this case, "journey" is a noun instead of a verb. Finding a way to incorporate a verb would be my only suggestion! :)

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  2. Good job on the edits Jena, the only thing I would suggest is maybe not using as many exclamation points. Great job. :)

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  3. The headline is an improvement from the originally but still doesn't really read like a headline. Verbs, like Emily said, really help pack more of a punch. That being said, you did a great job with the edits! I think you did a great job tweaking things here or there to help with the story's clarity!

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  4. Love the headline change I think it really gives insight to what the story is going to be about. The minor tweaks really brought the story to life.

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  5. Very minor tweaks, but it works really well.

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  6. Great title. You did very well editing!

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  7. Nice job with the edit. You did a nice job of adding clarity to the story. I think the title is a nice touch as well.

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  8. I love the edits that were done with this story. Before it was a little hard to image and follow because the story seemed to pin-ball around but now it is much more clear and I can picture it a lot better. I loved the story before and thought it was great but now I like it even more. I also like to the new headline but it does kind of seem like a title instead of a headline. I think if you added a few words and make it more like a sentence it would be better. But I do like it better than the first one. Good Job!

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  9. I think that "discussed" feels like too grown up of a word for a preschooler who is telling his mom about his day. I like the tweaks you did, just not that one.

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  10. I agree Megan, Evan doesn't discuss anything, although I do like the idea of that! Great edits, Thanks Jena!

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  11. I like you make some change for some sentences, more easily to understand. I think the headline is still not good enough and match the story, but it's better than the original one.

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  12. Like Monica and Emily mentioned, a verb in the headline would be great. But I did like the minor tweaks done to the story. Its a very sweet story.

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  13. I think everyone already said what I would have said. Good work.

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  14. The edits you have made add to the story and I like the change of the title. Nicely done.

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