Monday, November 17, 2014

Unexpected news causes heartbreak (Edited)



Edited by Jenn Funk

It had been a year since she had seen her camp buddy, Sara, but they still remained close. Unfortunately, because of school she didn't have the opportunity to volunteer at the camp where they had first met. Sara had been a dedicated camp member for the past four years, the same amount of time that she had been cancer-free. Since she was only 13 years old, it felt like this disease had consumed most of her life but she continued to stay positive and looked forward to attending camp every summer. 

The two were dedicated to their friendship but keeping in contact was difficult when one was pursuing a degree, working a full time job and continuing to volunteer. It broke her heart to have missed camp last year but next summer is only half a year away now. It wouldn’t be long until they were back in their normal routine of making crafts and hiking.

One night, she got an email from Sara's mother. They were in the hospital because Sara needed a have a blood clot removed. After skimming the beginning of the email she determined it wasn't too serious but she still decided to call her roommate about the update. Both her and her roommate had volunteered together and Sara meant a great deal to both of them. While she was on the phone she reassured her friend that everything was OK. She just wanted her make sure that she was informed. They made jokes and laughed when finally she said, "OK, but seriously let me read this so you know what's going on with Sara."

The email read, "Hello, I just wanted to let you know that we have been in the hospital the past week with Sara. Our little girl fought off cancer for four years but, due to the wear and tear, ended up forming a blood clot. We were reassured that it wasn't cancerous and that the surgery was fairly routine. Sara has been through so much that she was barely phased by the news. You know how she was always able to stay positive. Unfortunately, Sara unexpectedly passed after her surgery. We are still unsure what happened but I wanted to let you know that she is no longer with us..."
Wait… What just happened?

Shocked, she no longer knew what to say.

"I'm so sorry, Elizabeth! I should have finished reading the email before I called you. I had no idea how it was going to end! I just wanted to let you know that she was in the hospital, not that she had… I didn't know she had… passed. I'm so sorry."

Click. (She hung up)

She didn’t know what to do, what to think.

A life that had barely started was over and she was still struggling to comprehend what she had just read. Only regret filled her mind. She knew that her volunteering wouldn't have saved Sara or prevented this situation, but maybe it would have lessened the hurt and the pain she felt from losing last summer with her. Now, she can never get back the summer that she missed, or the friend that she lost.

13 comments:

  1. I like this title a lot and the edits you made allowed the story to flow better. Good job.

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  2. I like the new title as well. Nice job.

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  3. I'm sure finding a suitable title for this situation was difficult, but you did a good job with it.

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  4. Nice job editing, Jen! I think you made a great change to the headline, and I noticed that you also caught some small comma placement errors from the original story. Way to go!

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  5. Like everyone else, I think your headline is an improvement from the last one. You made most of the necessary edits. Great job.

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  6. Your edits definitely helped make the story flow better. Good job!

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  7. Although the new headline is greater than the original one, I think it is still no good enough. It is really hard to give this sad story a suitable headline. You also did some change for the body content, it is make the story easy to read. Nice job!

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  8. I like the new headline as well. You did a nice job fixing some of the errors in the story. Nice job!

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  9. I really like the ellipses and parenthesis you added. I agree the headline is better as well. Great job!

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  10. Such an intense story you had to edit so that must have been difficult. I like what you changed to it even though there wasn't much to change to begin with. I liked both of the headlines so it's hard to say which one is better. I agree with everyone else in saying that your edits helped the story flow more and made it that much better.

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  11. The headline is very strong. Good job editing!!

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  12. Nice job editing. I think the headline fits well.

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  13. I agree about the title, as Megan said, the story is very intense and needed something fitting. It is very strong and descriptive while leaving some information to be found within. It struck my curiosity for the story.

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