The young man approached the movie theatre. To his
surprise he was not the first to arrive. He saw his roommate leaning against
the brick exterior of the building waiting for the others. Immediately the young
man knew that something was up. His roommate still had his work shirt on and
tucked in, two things that his roommate never did. The way he was leaning
against the wall was peculiar as his body was contorted strangely as if to
conceal something behind him.
“Hey, what’s up?” asked the young man cautiously,
giving a two-finger wave to his roommate.
“Oh not much,” replied his roommate offering no salute
of his own, “I got a favor to ask of you though.”
“What is it?” said the young man, curious about his
roommate’s request. His roommate was not one to request a favor.
“Before I can tell you, you have to agree to help me.
I need your word on this one,” said the roommate gravely as he glanced from
side to side slowly.
The young man became a little worried. His roommate,
while a decent guy, had a long history of flaunting his disregard for laws and
social norms. The young man had no idea what he would be agreeing to, but knew
it could be any of an endless number of task. The need for secrecy colored his
thoughts making each possibility less appealing than the last. The young man
also knew that once he gave his word he would be bound to it since his roommate
would never allow him to back out of an agreement. With a deep breath the young
man gave his answer.
“I know you could be asking me to do anything, but I
trust that you wouldn’t ask me to do something I wasn’t comfortable with. Sure,
I’ll help you, you have my word. What is it you need me to do?”
A smirk slowly stole over his roommate’s face as he
craned his neck in the direction of the front door. Seeing the coast was clear
his roommate turned his attention back to the young man.
“I have a pound of Laffy Taffy on me, but not enough
pocket space to smuggle it all in. I need the use of your cargo pants to get it
all through the front door undetected,” said his roommate.
His roommate stood up straight and untucked his shirt
causing candy to plummet to the ground like a piñata. The young man laughed
loudly in relief and disbelief. His heart was still racing. Out of every
possibility he conceived this was not one of them.
“Oh my god dude,” said the young man, “I thought I was
going to be muling drugs or jumping someone with the way you were acting. Why do
you have to be so dramatic?”
Good story, funny ending. Maybe a different title, but all in all I liked it. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteI honestly wouldn't change anything. I was think of another title though. I like the one you have but it could be more exciting you know. Other than that I loved it, it had suspense and humor, which are two very great things in a story.
ReplyDeleteNice job, Brian! One suggestion I'd have would be placing commas after the introductory words and phrases "To his surprise" (second sentence) and "Immediately" (fourth sentence.)
ReplyDeleteLike Emily said, you are missing a few commas here and there. I enjoyed how you set up the story with a description of your friend and how it was so unusual. You built the story up well and used descriptive verbs.
ReplyDeleteI actually laughed at this. I love how you built the suspense and threw the punchline in at the right time. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThis story was really funny and I enjoyed reading it. Some people said you were missing commas but that's a weak point for me so I didn't notice. I think a headline change would be nice.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting story! I like the way you describe the story. I notice that there has few punctuation problems (I always can't find). Still, nice job!
ReplyDeleteThat was a great story. Love the humor.
ReplyDeleteI really like your story. You did a nice job of adding humor. I also really like your headline, very nice all around. All I really saw were a few punctuation errors. Good job.
ReplyDeleteThis is awesome. I really enjoyed reading it Brian. I love your use of adjectives.
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job with the little details of the story. Besides a few errors here or there, I though this was really good!
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ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your story. It was easy to read and entertaining as well. I was only able to find a few small errors. Well done.
DeleteI actually like the title, I think its more your style so it might not appeal to everyone but that's OK. I didn't find many errors and I likes the details that were used throughout.
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