Edited by Jenn Funk
It had been a year since she had seen her camp buddy, Sara,
but they still remained close. Unfortunately, because of school she didn't have
the opportunity to volunteer at the camp where they had first met. Sara had
been a dedicated camp member for the past four years, the same amount of time
that she had been cancer-free. Since she was only 13 years old, it felt like
this disease had consumed most of her life but she continued to stay positive and
looked forward to attending camp every summer.
The two were dedicated to their friendship but keeping in
contact was difficult when one was pursuing a degree, working a full time job
and continuing to volunteer. It broke her heart to have missed camp last year
but next summer is only half a year away now. It wouldn’t be long until they were
back in their normal routine of making crafts and hiking.
One night, she got an email from Sara's mother. They were in
the hospital because Sara needed a have a blood clot removed. After skimming
the beginning of the email she determined it wasn't too serious but she still decided
to call her roommate about the update. Both her and her roommate had volunteered
together and Sara meant a great deal to both of them. While she was on the
phone she reassured her friend that everything was OK. She just wanted her make
sure that she was informed. They made jokes and laughed when finally she said,
"OK, but seriously let me read this so you know what's going on with
Sara."
The email read, "Hello, I just wanted to let you know
that we have been in the hospital the past week with Sara. Our little girl
fought off cancer for four years but, due to the wear and tear, ended up
forming a blood clot. We were reassured that it wasn't cancerous and that the
surgery was fairly routine. Sara has been through so much that she was barely
phased by the news. You know how she was always able to stay positive.
Unfortunately, Sara unexpectedly passed after her surgery. We are still unsure
what happened but I wanted to let you know that she is no longer with
us..."
Wait… What just happened?
Shocked, she no longer knew what to say.
"I'm so sorry, Elizabeth! I should have finished
reading the email before I called you. I had no idea how it was going to end! I
just wanted to let you know that she was in the hospital, not that she had… I
didn't know she had… passed. I'm so sorry."
Click. (She hung up)
She didn’t know what to do, what to think.
A life that had barely started was over and she was still
struggling to comprehend what she had just read. Only regret filled her mind. She
knew that her volunteering wouldn't have saved Sara or prevented this
situation, but maybe it would have lessened the hurt and the pain she felt from
losing last summer with her. Now, she can never get back the summer that she
missed, or the friend that she lost.
I like this title a lot and the edits you made allowed the story to flow better. Good job.
ReplyDeleteI like the new title as well. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure finding a suitable title for this situation was difficult, but you did a good job with it.
ReplyDeleteNice job editing, Jen! I think you made a great change to the headline, and I noticed that you also caught some small comma placement errors from the original story. Way to go!
ReplyDeleteLike everyone else, I think your headline is an improvement from the last one. You made most of the necessary edits. Great job.
ReplyDeleteYour edits definitely helped make the story flow better. Good job!
ReplyDeleteAlthough the new headline is greater than the original one, I think it is still no good enough. It is really hard to give this sad story a suitable headline. You also did some change for the body content, it is make the story easy to read. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteI like the new headline as well. You did a nice job fixing some of the errors in the story. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteI really like the ellipses and parenthesis you added. I agree the headline is better as well. Great job!
ReplyDeleteSuch an intense story you had to edit so that must have been difficult. I like what you changed to it even though there wasn't much to change to begin with. I liked both of the headlines so it's hard to say which one is better. I agree with everyone else in saying that your edits helped the story flow more and made it that much better.
ReplyDeleteThe headline is very strong. Good job editing!!
ReplyDeleteNice job editing. I think the headline fits well.
ReplyDeleteI agree about the title, as Megan said, the story is very intense and needed something fitting. It is very strong and descriptive while leaving some information to be found within. It struck my curiosity for the story.
ReplyDelete