(Edited)
Two best friends, Megan and Destiny, had a sleepover
at Megan’s house. Her parents were out of town that night and they thought it
was going great. The house sits back about 300 feet from any other house in
their neighborhood next a grove of trees. It would have been the perfect
setting for any horror story. They were watching The Hills Have Eyes, comfy
and snuggled up on the couch. The movie got a little too scary for their liking
and, being that they were alone, they decided to pause the movie. Besides, they
were extremely hungry and macaroni and cheese with hotdogs in it sounded
amazing at the moment. So they headed into the kitchen and started boiling some
water while they chafed away about how they both were going to have
nightmares.
Suddenly somebody or something knocked on the
front door. Since they were home alone that was not something they wanted to
hear, especially after watching The Hills Have Eyes. They were beyond freaked out and slowly walked to
the front door to see who was there. They didn’t see anyone so they opened the
door regardless of their fear. No one was there. Understandably even more
freaked out, they went back to kitchen to finish their macaroni and cheese and
hoped that nothing would happen.
A few minutes later they heard knocking at the door
again. Now, beyond terrified, they both grabbed a knife and checked the door
again. Once again no one was there. Luckily, Destiny lived up the street and
had an older brother. She called him, explained the situation and told him he had
to come get them immediately while Megan sat on the kitchen floor with a
blanket over her head and a foot long knife in her hands, trying not to
cry.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, her brother
came to the rescue and the girls sprinted as fast as they could to his car.
While going down Megan’s mile long driveway they saw a man walk across the
driveway heading towards the neighbor’s house. It crept all of them out and
they were all glad to get out of there.
After a night of reminiscing about what had just
happened to them Megan got a call from her parents. They asked if anything
happened to them last night. She said yes and, as her heart rate increased, she
asked them why they asked that. They replied that their neighbors were home
alone too and heard someone messing around their house. The guy they saw
walking across their driveway was one of their neighbors who was checking to
make sure everything was alright. To this day no one knows who or what was
knocking on their houses but it’s a night none of them will ever forget.
Fantastic headline, Brian! I also like the edits you made to the story. They helped the overall flow and made it easier to read and understand. Great job!
ReplyDeleteYou took out some words in the story that really weren't needed. In the original, I noticed a few in the first paragraph. Good job catching those and adding more of a objective feel to the story.
ReplyDeleteGood job on the edits. I like the new title too.
ReplyDeleteI think it flows a bit better, good job.
ReplyDeleteI like the edits you made it really flows now. I have to say I like the original headline better but I know that you had to change it.
ReplyDeleteI more like the new headline actually. You also did some changes for the body content. I think you made the end of story more clear. Great job!
ReplyDeleteYour great edits provided a smooth transition throughout the story. Great job.
ReplyDeleteNice job Brian. Your edits allow the story to flow better. I also like your headline change.
ReplyDeleteI thought the original story flowed well but this version flows very well. I noticed a few mistakes but the changes you made greatly increased the readability. Great job!
ReplyDeleteFantastic headline! Good job with the edit!
ReplyDeleteThe headline really stands out and as others have said the editing you have done allows the story to flow well. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteI think I like the new headline. It's catchy and a nice play on words while also being very descriptive of what the story is about. That's exactly what we want! I like all the changes to make the story more concise too, it makes it very clear and easy to read.
ReplyDelete