Friday, September 12, 2014

Don't Get Caught

           The boy sprinted into the woods, the darkness causing him to nearly trip over his friend who was already crouched just within the tree line.  He dropped down next to his friend as he tried to catch his breath. Humid summer air filled his lungs but offered him little relief. Though he was at rest, his body remained tense and ready to spring into action at any moment. They could see the red and blue flashing lights at the top of the hill, casting strange jerking shadows over the field. A spotlight panned across the trees trying to find them, but their black hoodies blended seamlessly with the night. His friend looked over at him, eyes wide and nervous, begging to know what had become of their other friend who was just behind them only a few minutes ago. Before the boy could answer they heard a voice announce over a speaker.

           “We have your friend and we know who you are. Come out now! You are only making things worse for yourselves. You have no other option,” demanded the officer, his tone stern and foreboding.

            The reality of the situation gripped the boy and panic welled up inside of him. He closed his eyes for a moment to steady himself. He needed time to think, but that was a luxury he did not have. Before he darted into the woods he had saw the line of police cars blocking their path between where they were and where they wanted to be. The full moon and the adrenaline rushing through his veins allowed every detail to stand out vividly in his mind. He was sure this night was going to end in complete tragedy for them. Clouds rolled across the moon, casting shadows over the landscape and his waning optimism.
He opened his eyes and looked over at his friend who was looking back and forth hopelessly as he weighed out their two options. Without any verbal communication, he knew exactly what his friend was thinking at that moment. The boy scowled and slowly shook his head. Their friend had known the risks and agreed to their terms so he was now on his own. The first rule was don’t get caught. The second was that if you did, then you kept quiet about the others and went down alone.


             A sudden cold feeling crawled inside the boy’s stomach and slithered up his spine. It was a feeling he learned to hate yet never ignore. The boy shot his friend a wide-eyed glance and jerked his head back towards the woods. His friend knew exactly what the look meant and they both dashed deeper into the woods. Just as they started to run they could hear the sound of a German Shepard barking as it ran down the hill towards them. 

10 comments:

  1. I like your new headline! It's shorter and I think it's also more attention grabbing. Great job fixing the few grammatical errors that were in the original story. For example, I like how you changed the first two sentences from, The boy sprinted into the woods. "The darkness causing him to nearly trip over his friend who was already crouched just within the tree line," to " The boy sprinted into the woods, the darkness causing him to nearly trip over his friend who was already crouched just within the tree line."

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  2. I like the new title as well, I think it gives more insight into what the story is about and also uses mysterious tone to draw in the reader. The non-verbal communication is more understandable. This is an important moment and the way you rearranged it gave it more meaning. The last sentence changes are really good as well!

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  3. You really made this story almost flawless. Great job editing!

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  4. I also like the new title. Good job!

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  5. I like new title and the changes that you made.

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  6. I didn't think there was much to edit, so the little things you did were great.

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  7. You two made a great team for this! I think you had a great story to edit! Good job to you both.

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  8. The new title is simple and straight to the point. I like it.

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  9. Nice title! You really pay attention to the small details.

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  10. I felt like the title was to vague for the story, but you did a good job rearranging some of the sentences to blend better. Good job.

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