Saturday, October 18, 2014

Edited: The visit of a lifetime

Edited by: Megan Dortch

The scene outside of her high school looked far different than normal. A line of news vans and police cars were where her school’s faculty would normally park. Police and their canine officers stood by every entrance. Across the street, a group of protesters from the Westboro Baptist Church shouted at the people in line.

After two hours of waiting, the doors to the gym lobby finally opened; the crowd began to applaud. A man in a suit stepped outside with a megaphone in his hand. He asked the crowd to have their tickets and identification out and ready for security to check upon entrance.

The line began to slowly file into the building one by one. When it was her turn, she handed both her ticket and driver’s license to an officer. After he examined them, he handed them back and directed her to a metal detector on the left side of the room. She breezed through security without an issue and headed into the gym. As she walked through the doors, she was amazed that the gym was filled with so many people. The basketball court was covered in chairs and both sets of bleachers were packed. On the west side of the gym, there was a sea of reporters and television cameras poised and ready to capture the event. The east wall was covered with long, royal blue curtains, and in front of them was a large stage with a podium in the center. She found an empty spot in the bleachers next to one of her classmates and sat down.

As she continued to look around, she noticed men in suits standing stoically by every exit and one standing by the stairs to the stage. She watched this particular man closely and after a while, he pressed his hand to his ear. Then, he lifted his wrist to his mouth and spoke. She was wondering what he had said when the doors to the lobby closed loudly, making her jump in her seat. The crowd fell silent and waited in anticipation.


“Ladies and gentlemen,” said a voice over the loudspeakers. “The President of the United States of America.”


The crowd jumped to their feet and cheered as President Obama took the stage. The people from her small town that were in attendance seemed to cheer louder than everyone else. Her heart was racing as goosebumps crept up her arms. She raised her camera and took picture after picture. She knew that she would always want to remember this moment. After all, how many chances would she get to see the President of the United States speak in her high school gymnasium.

13 comments:

  1. Good job on the edits. I like the new title better.

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  2. I like this title better as well. There wasn't really anything that absolutely needed to be changed so you did a good job editing.

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  3. I like how you condensed the story down a bit and added some necessary words that made the story more clear.

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  4. Due to the fact that Monica is an excellent writer, I am sure this story was a challenge to edit. However, I think you added some changes that were really beneficial to the story. Great job!

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  5. I agree with the others that this story would have been hard to edit, but I think you did a nice job with changing a few things around and making it flow a little better! I do think your change to the headline made it more of a "title." I think Monica's is more headline-ish (I know that is not a word) because it includes both a subject and a verb.

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  6. I agree with Emily. I like your title but I like the first one better because it is more like a headline. Other than that I love the changes that you made to this story, even though it was hard to edit because there wasn't much that needed to be done. I love the voice and imagery of the story. It was very interesting, easy to follow, and captivating.

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  7. I like the headline change and I agree with everyone else. Monica is an excellent writer so the subtle changes didn't really impact the story much but they were nice. Good job... it can't be easy editing stories that are done so well!

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  8. I like that the edits didn't hinder the story, but actually made it more clear---as if that were even possible. I don't know how I feel about the headlines... The last one was more like a headline, but this one was more inviting. Grrr...

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  9. I'm afraid I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said. You had a tough job editing an already good story, but I think your changes were well done.

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  10. Other than the headline being changed to more of a title than a headline I still think you did good job editing a well written story.

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  11. The original story is looks perfect. If I were you, I have no idea how to edit it. You did a great job. I more like the new headline.

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  12. I agree with everyone else. The headline is more of a title now and you had a tough story to edit. I do like what you managed to do with it.

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  13. I like the change to the headline and the edits you have made work well. Nice job.

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