Monday, November 17, 2014

Two friends make an exciting discovery

Edited by Farai Harreld 

After their evening class, she hung out with her friend Zoey. They talked about their homework and discussed the difficult questions. They complained about how much pressure they were under but also encouraged each other to keep working hard to attend the universities that they wished to study at.
Suddenly, they both saw something shining in a bush nearby. They were both surprised and wanted to find out what it was. At first, they thought it was something that someone left behind that had reflective paint on it but as they approached it they began to think it might be an insect.
“Wow!” they both shouted out.  “Maybe it is a …… firefly!” said one of them. They were both shocked, but they calmed down, not wanting to scare the firefly away. Finally, they saw it. It was really small, cute, and fragile like it might die if they touched it. The light on the bug flashed brighter and dimmer. They counted how many times it flashed at them. It reminded them of a twinkling star. 


They finally garnered the courage to hold it in their hands. They immediately named it Tiny. It began to crawl around on their hands and even though it felt weird, they wanted to hold it a little longer to observe it. Upon closer inspection,they found out it was a little robot because it had a battery on it is body which told them how long it would last.

The girls were really overjoyed at their find because to them, fireflies were like a little spark of hope that gave them the courage to face difficult times ahead.

14 comments:

  1. I like the new title. Works well with the story. Good job. :)

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  2. I like the new title better as well. You did a good job editing!

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  3. Good job with the edits. I have to say I like to use of the word "garnered" in this story. It's not a word I come across often.

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  4. I also think you did a great job editing this! I love the headline, and you did well with changing sentence structures so that they flowed better and were easier to understand. There are a couple of independent clauses that I think could use commas, but awesome job overall!

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  5. The headline is an improvement! It describes the story a clearly. There are a few grammar mistakes that I think you may have missed, but you caught most of the major ones. Great job!

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  6. I don't know how I feel about the new title; I'm not wow'd by it like everyone. But I will agree with everyone that your edits did greatly improve the story.

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  7. I agree with Veronica I'm not too thrilled about the headline change but the edits are awesome. The story really flows now! Great job!

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  8. It is hard to me to use the accurate words to describe this story. I already try my best. You did a great job to help me figure out the problems. I think I learn a lot after read your edited story.

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  9. You did a nice job editing. You fixed some of the grammar errors and you also helped make the story more clear. Good job.

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  10. Sentence structure was great! It was improved from the original version which helped the story flow better. I followed this version easier than the other.

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  11. Cute story. I love fireflies so I understand the excitement. The headline is good but I don't think it does the story justice. I feel like there is a better headline that would work great for this story.

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  12. Your edits were smart and definitely improved the how the story read overall!

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  13. The editing you have done gives the story a better flow and made it more easily understood. Good Job.

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  14. I think you do great editing Farai, and to hear that it helped Yujie makes me even happier. It's still a very cute story, just easier to read. I like the word choice too!!

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