By Monica McDougal
The scene outside of her high school looked far different
than normal. A line of news vans and police cars were where her school’s
faculty would normally park. Police and their canine officers stood by every
entrance. Across the street, a group of protesters from the Westboro Baptist Church
shouted at the people in line.
After two hours of waiting, the doors to the gym lobby finally
opened; the crowd began to applaud. A man in a suit stepped outside with a
megaphone in his hand. He asked the crowd to have their tickets and identification
out and ready for security.
The line began to file into the building. When it was her
turn, she handed her ticket and driver’s license to an officer. After he
examined them, he handed them back and directed her to a metal detector on the
left side of the room. She breezed through security without any issues and
headed into the gym. As she walked through the doors, she was amazed by what
she saw. The gym was filled with people. The basketball court was covered in
chairs and both sets of bleachers were packed. On the west side of the gym,
there was a sea of reporters and television cameras poised and ready to capture
the event. The east wall was covered with long, royal blue curtains, and in
front of them was a large stage with a podium in the center. She found an empty
spot in the bleachers next to one of her classmates and sat down.
As she continued to look around, she noticed men in suits standing
stoically by every exit and one standing by the stairs to the stage. She
watched this particular man closely. After a while, he pressed his hand to his
ear. Then, he lifted his wrist to his mouth and spoke. She was wondering what
he had said when the doors to the lobby closed loudly, making her jump in her seat.
The crowd fell silent. It was the moment they had all been waiting for.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” said a voice over the loudspeakers. “The
President of the United States of America.”
The crowd jumped to their feet and cheered as President Obama took the stage. The citizens of her small town that were in attendance seemed to cheer louder than anyone else. Her heart was racing and she had goosebumps on her arms. She raised her camera and took picture after picture. She knew that she would always want to remember this moment. After all, how many chances does a girl get to see the President of the United States speak in her high school gymnasium.
Nice story. Maybe a different headline, but all in all it's a good story. It's going to be hard to edit. :) Nice job Monica.
ReplyDeleteI think your headline is perfect. It's descriptive and it has a verb. I like how you didn't reveal that the president was going to be there until the very end of the story. It made me want to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI don't like the headline, but it's a solid story.
ReplyDeleteThe headline was a little awkward but your story was flawless (like usual)! It was creative and suspenseful the way you didn't reveal what the actual event was until the very end.
ReplyDeleteVery nice story. You kept the reader wanting more, which really kept me interested. I do think that a new headline would be beneficial to the story.
ReplyDeleteNice job, Monica! There are very differing opinions on your headline, but I like it. You use both a subject and a verb and nicely sum up what the story is about, while still drawing the reader into the story. I think that's exactly what a headline is supposed to do. :) Great story, too! I didn't find any typos or anything grammatically incorrect.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed editing this story. I was in suspense while reading it wondering why there was such a big fuss. It was hard to edit, so great job!
ReplyDeleteYou are a great writer! As usual, I see very few changes that I would make. The headline reads like a real headline, but for some reason I'm not a huge fan. But I can't say much because I struggle with headlines!
ReplyDeleteYou did a really great job. I can't find any mistakes. The headline, I think it is depends on how to understand the story, but I like it.
ReplyDeleteI liked the story, well written as always. I do think the headline should have given up who the school was hosting in order for it to catch me eye more. But I enjoyed it.
ReplyDeleteThis is probably the closest any of us have gotten to making a headline and not a title, but if feels a little cumbersome. Great job on the story. It will be a hard one to edit.
ReplyDeleteYour story is very interesting and I enjoyed reading it. You might want to work on the title though. Nice job.
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