Edited by Emily
As she sat in the car outside of the Prairie View golf course
in Topeka, Kansas, she noticed how beautiful of an afternoon it was. It was the
first Saturday she had off of work in a long time, and the weather was perfect.
It was sunny, but it was wasn't too hot or too cold. As she waited patiently,
she found that she was nervous to be going golfing with this new man in her
life. She hadn't been golfing in a long time, and she was afraid of embarrassing
herself in front of him.
When he returned from renting the golf cart and paying the
green fees, they headed to the first hole. After stretching and applying sunscreen,
she walked up to the tee box, placed the ball on the tee and got in position. She
swung the golf club for the first time in years. When the club came back down,
she realized, to her dismay, that she had missed the ball. She looked over
timidly at Justin and they both burst out laughing. She accepted his offer for
a few tips on how to improve her swing. On her second try, she hit the ball and
it landed in the green.
They both showed improvement as they continued to golf
through the next eight holes. When they reached the final hole, they were
laughing, joking and giving each other a hard time. They had decided not to
keep an official score before starting, so they called it a tie even though she
knew she had won. As they drove the golf cart back to the club house, she felt
like their second date had been a success and began to wonder what the third
one might bring.
Thanks for not being too hard on me. LOL. I really like the addition to the last line.
ReplyDeleteI like the last line as well, it's a hook... I'm curious, what happened on date three! I like the new title too, both work really well for the story.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with the others. What you added to the end of the story kept me on the edge of my seat. Great editing!
ReplyDeleteI like the additions a lot. It wasn't too much, but I think the story flowed better.
ReplyDeleteThe additions were a great improvement to the story! Good job!
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job with your additions. Way to keep the readers wondering!
ReplyDeleteI like the title change and some of the other descriptions.
ReplyDeleteThe title change was really good. It makes the reader wonder, "Many of what?" Great job!
ReplyDeleteThe title really does make me want to know what you are talking about! I like what you did with the story. I think you made great grammar corrections.
ReplyDeleteI really like the changes on the end of the story and great title.
ReplyDelete