The call connected and she said in a raspy voice: " I'd like to make a payment on my account using my credit card". She listened intently chewing on her bottom lip with her lit cigarette suspended mid air in her other hand. "I don't understand. I have always payed my bill on the phone. I can't mail in a check in, I am on a payment plan and if I miss this payment I'm screwed." She listened more to the person on the other line substituting chewing her lip for short angry puffs on her cigarette. " When did this start? You sent me an email? I havent been at Washburn in nine years. I cant come in to pay by card because I work all day! By the time of I'm off work the business office is closed." Her voice grew louder and the puffs on her cigarette deeper and closer together as she spoke on the phone.
She glanced at watch on her wrist and sighed and sighed again, " I have to go back into work, I only had a 15 minute break, thank you for nothing" she said before hanging up the call. She took one last puff from her cigarette and dropped it in an ashtray next to the bench making her way back up the stairs back to her job.
I bet we've all seen or been someone like this. It's a very relate-able story. Good job.
ReplyDeleteGreat job, Farai! I noticed a few misplaced commas and spelling errors (e.g. I think "her" should be "hair" in the first paragraph.) I liked your choice of descriptive words to tell the story. It made me think about how I'm not always as careful as I probably should be when talking on the phone in public. You never know who could be listening!
ReplyDeleteI've seen my share of these types of moments and it always tugs my heart strings. This story is very relatable. I also really enjoy how you describe the cigarette and her biting her lip, I could see it. Love it. Little errors here and there, but thy editor will fix that :)
ReplyDeleteI think we just learned from Kaity's presentation that saying brunette woman is redundant since the definition of a brunette is a brown-haired woman. You were very descriptive and made this so easy for the reader to picture the details in their mind. Good job!
ReplyDeleteNice story! You were very descriptive which makes for a great read. Keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteI also enjoy the descriptive word choice. I like seeing how other described the scene with words I would have never thought would go together. Great story!
ReplyDeleteI can see this moment clearly. I liked how to changed the description of her smoking in relation to her stress level. It's very accurate.
ReplyDeleteLike others have said, your word choice is great. This was very descriptive!
ReplyDeleteI really liked the verbs you used in your story. It really made it all come alive.
ReplyDelete